


Restless

by i_was_dreaming



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, lucifer needs therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-18
Updated: 2019-07-18
Packaged: 2020-07-07 19:47:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19857037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_was_dreaming/pseuds/i_was_dreaming
Summary: Lucifer does not know how to handle his own self-hatred and stumbles upon the worst way to relieve himself of his negative emotions. (TW: Self harm)





	Restless

...

Lucifer was happy. Or at least he thought he was.

He and Chloe were “together”. That’s how she put it.

He had become accustomed to the rituals of her household by now. At first Chloe had stayed at Lux with him, asking Daniel to stay with Trixie while she slept over at Lucifers. As the weeks went on however Lucifer began to stay at Choles more often. Now he would wake up before Chloe, and by the time she and Trixie stirred he would always have breakfast ready for them.

He was still a little awkward about Trixie’s affections. As much as he liked the little imp, her constant efforts to hug him made him uncomfortable. He was not very adept at showing care for children. He had never been taught.

Despite the chaos of the day and whatever case he and the detective were wrapped up in, he was grateful to return to that house. To give into the comfort of the repetitive night time and morning rituals. He only experienced these rituals a few times, before something started to go wrong.

The comfortable home life begun to make him feel alienated. He felt as if he didn’t belong there. He felt like he was invading upon their space. Their life.

Where once he had sat beside Trixie’s bed as Chloe read her bedtime story, he now sat in a different room, silently listening to Chloe’s distant voice. Where once he had been content to eat with the detective and her daughter he now excused himself early, claiming he had something to take care of.

It was nonsensical. Even to him.

He finally had what he wanted. Chloe. And everything that came along with her. He had a breakthrough with Linda. He had found the core of his problems. His self-hatred. Surely now that he knew what was wrong everything should be well. Surely now that Chloe had accepted him as he was everything should be well.

So what was this feeling?

He had also began to find it hard to sleep.

Every night he lay awake. Chloe would always fall asleep long before him, her forehead pressed against his chest and her arm draped around his waist.

He would lay there, listening to Chloe’s breathing steady and slow, until he was certain she was asleep. Slowly he would shift his body, slipping out of her embrace. Often she’d stir slightly, turning onto her other side or even stretching her arms out, reaching for Lucifer in her sleep. He would slip out of bed, and find a way to distract himself for a while. From his thoughts. From the idea that Chloe was comfortable with him. Invading her life. Invading her home. Invading her bed.

He almost wished she’d fear him. She’d hate him. Avoid him.

She was too good for him.

At first he would distract himself with drinks. Perhaps hoping they’d numb him to sleep. Later, with pills. But his thoughts seemed to fight off even a high dose. He’d pace quietly in the silent halls.

The night time silence. He resented it. The day brought distraction. Noise. Activity. He’d allow himself to be whisked from case to case, from the precinct to Lux, from person to person. Always distracted.

But at night it was impossible. In the calm silence he found no solace, no distraction. There was no distant blaring music as there often was at Lux in the night-time. Here, in the detective’s home, there was only the quiet of a family at rest. As much as it should be comforting to him, it drove him mad.

The voices in his head clouded everything else. What were these thoughts? Guilt? Self-hatred? He had learnt to identify these feelings, and yet now he couldn’t distinguish one from the other. The heavy feeling that lay across his chest, that constricted his breathing, that stuffed his brain with unwelcome thoughts was unrelenting.

All he wanted was release. All he wanted was rest.

And he found it. In the wrong way. Oh how wrong it all was.

On that night he once again slipped away from Chloe’s warm grasp and quietly made his way to the kitchen. He pulled out a hidden flask and poured himself a drink. As he went to put the flask away his elbow knocked the glass, ever so slightly, and yet it was enough.

The glass shattered at his feet. In the night the sound seemed deafening, like a gunshot. Lucifer froze in a sudden terror. At being found out perhaps. Drinking when he should be sleeping in the detective’s embrace. Lucifer listened to the night around him, holding his breath as he waited for Chloe or Trixie to call out, to run down the hall to see what happened. And yet by some miracle neither of them awoke. Lucifer thanked his lucky stars.

He slowly bent down to pick up the broken glass. In the darkness he misjudged how far he should reach, leaning in too far. His skin tore as the glass dug into his skin. He drew back at the sudden pain, wincing slightly. The alcohol soaked glass sent a jolt of stinging pain through his arm.

Lucifer stilled.

And reached forward again.

His fingertips tore. The pain ricocheted through his hand and up his arm.

He lifted his hand up to his face. The cuts were not too deep, and yet the bleeding was rather significant.

He scooped the fragments of the glass from the floor, carefully this time, and placed them in the bin. He then begun to systematically wipe away the spilled alcohol. The alcohol soaked through the paper towel, burning as it stung his fingertips. He sopped up the rest of the alcohol and went to put the paper towels in the bin.

As he finally finished cleaning up his mess he rummaged for some bandages. His fingertips were soaked in alcohol, tingling with stinging pain. He quickly wrapped his fingers up and headed back to bed.

As he climbed back into bed, he slowly scooted closer to Chloe. As he came closer, Chloe stirred slightly, her hand reaching out instinctively. Her fingertips brushed against Lucifer’s cheek and she moved closer to him. She murmured something indistinct as she wrapped her arm around him and pulled herself closer to him. For a moment he wondered if she’d wake but she stilled, settled down.

He let her warmth comfort him, seep into his bones. Suddenly he was filled with a sudden exhaustion. To his own surprise he felt himself start to slip away. His mind seemed slightly less fuzzy. He felt numb. Comfortably numbed. 

..

The next morning Chloe had pointed out the bandaids wrapped around Lucifer’s fingers. He was quick to explain it away, adding some silly quip to make her smile and distract her from the cuts on his hand.

That day his thoughts kept coming back to that night. He was vulnerable around Chloe. Only with her. She couldn’t know. His own thoughts confused him, almost terrified him. Why was he dwelling on this.

That night he couldn’t sleep again.

An increasing feeling of anxiety settled on his shoulders. He felt as if he was driving himself crazy. He had to sleep. He had to rest. He had to alleviate this feeling.

Slowly he slipped out of bed and rummaged in his coat pockets. He pulled out a small blade.

He had slipped it into his pocket when he swung by Lux that day. Maze had left out some of her playthings in his penthouse. The small blade was likely to not be missed. She had many others.

He felt his mind separate from his body. He was not doing anything wrong. Surely he was not.

He rolled up his shirt. The blade felt so light in his hand. It would heal quickly. Chloe would not even notice. His eyes slipped across the room to the detectives sleeping form.

It’ll be fine.

He indulged in the pain. Just for a moment he convinced himself that it was okay. Surely. If anything. He deserved it.

He patched up the small wounds swiftly and crawled back into bed. Chloe’s welcoming arms met him. He curled up slightly. The movement irritated that small stinging pain in his fresh wounds. He felt wrong and yet something about that small pain felt so right. It almost seemed like compensation. He got to be here, in the detective’s arms, in her home, in her family. Him. An intruder.

Once again he drifted asleep.

..

Days passed.

Guilt started to build up.

Lucifer didn’t know where it was coming from. Nor did he care particularly.

He didn’t want to think about it.

His torso was littered with cuts. They didn’t seem to be healing as fast as he’d hoped. He didn’t want the detective to see him like this. She hadn’t seemed to notice however.

Lucifer got braver. It became a new ritual for him.

He’d wait for Chloe to fall asleep. He’d slowly slip from her grasp. He’d slip away for a moment and the small blade would come out. He’d quietly patch himself up and slip right back into Chloe’s arms.

The gnawing feeling of guilt in Lucifer’s mind was so much easier to ignore when he was distracted by the pain.

Again and again.

Until one night.

Once again.

Lucifer slipped away. He sat up. He was all too confident now.

He rolled up a sleeve.

His mind was numb, fuzzy.

He heard the sound of the door swinging open all too late.

His eyes felt bleary, his mind both numbed and yet all too alert. The sudden noise had startled him. His hand had slipped. Cut to deep.

He winced and dropped the blade. He grasped at his arm, his fingers felt slick with blood.

He looked up. A deer caught in headlights.

Trixie stood in the doorway. “Lucifer?”

Lucifer scrambled out of his bed. His mind felt fuzzy.

“What are you doing up?” The words snapped out. They came out too sharp, too harsh.

Trixie flinched. Her eyes were fixed on Lucifer’s arm however.

Panic began to set in. Lucifer struggled to keep himself together.

He put his arm behind his back.

“Lucifer? What’s wro-“

The bleary words behind him stopped suddenly.

“Oh my god. Lucifer? Is that blood?”

A sudden panic.

Lucifer turned to see the detective stand up. She quickly strode over to the light.

Please no.

Lucifer wanted to run. To hide. Now with the light on there was nowhere he could hide.

Chloe seemed to be in shock for a moment. Her gaze quickly travelled from the small speckles of blood on the bed sheets, the small blade that lay there, and Lucifer, half hunched over in the middle of the room, struggling to hide his bloodied arm behind his back.

She sprung into action, her hands shaking as she ushered Trixie out of the room. “He’s okay, honey. He’s- It was an accident.”

Lucifer felt his ears ring as Chloe’s voice faded down the hallway.

He slowly keeled over, falling onto his knees. He grasped at his arm, tightening his grip around the open wound. The pain throbbed up his arm, clouded his mind.

After a moment Chloe rushed back into the room. She was clutching a bandage. She quickly kneeled in front of Lucifer. Despite himself Lucifer recoiled, almost falling back as he tried to back away from her touch.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

The words seemed to tumble from his lips, as if he couldn’t control them.

“Is Trixie okay? Is she- I’m sorry.”

Chloe reached out. She gently took his hand, pulling his arm gently towards her. She wrapped the wound, the palm of her hand lingering on his skin.

It felt wrong. He wished she would punish him. And yet she pulled him closer.

Her hand rested on the back of his neck, pulling him into an embrace. “Lucifer.. Why..”

Lucifer began to shake under her grasp. He couldn’t hold it back anymore. He felt himself becoming undone. He tried to bite back sobbing as tears began to cloud his vision. The sobs racked his body.

He felt another pair of hands reach out, wrap around his shoulders. He raised his head to see Trixie. Tears had begun to well in her eyes but her lips were pressed together, determined to be brave.

Lucifer leant back a little, slipping from Chloe’s arms. Trixie stepped forward and hugged him and for the first time Lucifer raised his arms, ready to hug her. He dropped his hands however, not wanting to get his blood on her. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry Trixie.”

The words were rough, heavy with tears. “I’m so sorry.”

..

Chloe had called backup. Daniel came soon. He ushered Trixie into a separate room, to make sure she was okay, to explain everything. Maze and Linda arrived soon after. Maze retrieved her blade and helped Chloe to clean up any blood while Linda properly patched Lucifer up.

She spoke to him for a moment, a little. She knew they would have a lot to talk about. But it was too soon.

They stayed but slowly they filtered into another room, leaving Lucifer with Chloe.

It was late.

Chloe coaxed Lucifer back into bed.

He had mumbled the same thing to her every now and then. Quiet, tired apologies.

Now as they lay there Chloe gently caressed his hair. “I will stand by you.” A soft promise. “One day you won’t have to feel this way anymore.”

Lucifer buried his forehead into her shoulder. His hands were still shaking, his breathing still uneven, and yet the pain was ebbing away. That numb feeling was slipping away. Slowly. And in it’s place was Chloe. It was always her.

Perhaps one day he’d feel like he deserves her

..

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic on ao3. Hope you enjoyed it :) Feedback would be much appreciated.


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